It feels as though my wife wants to reconcile, but I suspect it is as much in my imagination and wishful thinking as it is possible that it is real. The deep down truth is that I am sure it would never work. We are both too stubborn. We have different values and no communication channel to make it work. Last night I indicated that I would retain my lawyer and start the process. I explained to her that I wanted her to know because I suspect things will move rather quickly once the lawyers have the information they need to egg us on. We will both feel the pressure to get it moving.
I offered her my thoughts that I did not want to divorce, but once we go down that path, we deal with our situation and move on so we can heal. I mentioned the one marriage counselor that we visited who told us we should not be trying to stay married because we are not compatible, and what a lousy experience that was for both of us. I mentioned that we would have done well to try different therapist, but (I did not say this part) my wife was so turned off by the experience that she didn’t want to go back. The therapist/counselor made us both feel like dirt. I guess that’s what she’s paid for 
But, I continued, nothing we try seems to work. I just wanted to let her know that I cared and wanted to make sure she was ready for the whirlwind of divorce.
Her response was to get a bit teary eyed and to say, “I wish you wouldn’t start these conversations before bedtime. I have enough trouble sleeping”. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it on the weekend (when I would actually see her for more than 5 minutes that don’t lead to her retiring to bed. She kinda hinted as such, so I said, “That’s that. We’ll talk this weekend, and I won’t do anything with this until we have talked. Don’t give it a concern until then.”
It was very amicable and civil. But I just am so stressed inside because I am a doer. I have to take action items and deal with them. I can’t stand a full email in box and she hoards hundreds of unread emails. I write and rewrite todo lists every day in order to keep myself on top of my multi-faceted world. She deals with her #1 priority and gets upset if someone asks her to think off topic. These are the differences that we discovered as we drifted apart. Originally, they were complimentary traits. I took care of stuff that needed to be juggled (I thought I was a rock for her), and she did what she was best at. But once we were no longer in love with each other, my actions were not acceptable without her approval, and her approvals had to wait until they were at the top of her list.
Anyway, I’ll wait for the weekend and we’ll figure this out.
